2020: Gratitude

Hello all! In true Melissa fashion, its been forever since I have blogged. As you can imagine, dental school has continued to a consumer of my time. It still remains one of the toughest things I have gone through but one of the greatest journeys I have walked. Third year has been a time for me to "slow" a bit because my primary focus is patient care in the clinic. It often feels like an 8-5 job, which a nice change of pace from the constant classroom time and studying. I have missed patient care greatly since leaving hygiene and I love being back in that realm. It's hard to believe that I am months away from starting my last year as a D4!

While my absence in blogging does stem from "dental school life", it also comes from an intentional place. To be honest, over the last year, I wrote and rewrote several blog posts to talk about life happenings but each time set it aside because I felt I couldn't find the right words, it wasn't fun to talk about the hard stuff and feeling (for lack of a better term) silly for sharing the portions of my life because I know so many going through far greater tribulations than myself. But as I leave 2019 behind me (the year of being fearless), I look into 2020 with a new word: gratitude. By definition, gratitude holds different connotations. It is the "quality of being thankful" but also means to be ready to show appreciation and return kindness. I wish to focus my 2020 on that, taking more time to realize my blessings and be grateful and to show little acts of kindness to others. With that, I think it's important to share if not anything for self reflection of how far the Lord (and all of my amazing friends and family) has carried me over the last year (and then some). I'll try to be brief but I think if you've read and followed me long enough, it likely be long.

I'll back waaayyy (not really) up into my 2nd year in 2018. My word for the year was intentional. Head back to that blog to read up what that meant for me in living a more purposeful life. Little did I know when I chose that word, I would be finding myself living in simple ways to just get by. The end of 2018 would lead into my fearless 2019 as I worked to reclaim what was taken from me in a matter of moments. I would put that word to the test at the beginning of 2019 when I was uncertain about what was happening with my own body and why was this all happening. So with that, here we go.

2018: I started out D2 year strong. I was determined to tackle it head on and with force because I knew the year would be a force in itself. I didn't dare get behind on any project, I made it a mission to get adequate sleep each night (much different from D1 year), and I had started working out each morning. It was going really well for me and I felt like I had it together. Then one morning in early October happened. I slept in this particular morning instead of waking up to go work out at my 5:30 a.m. class. I was in a dead sleep when in my mind I thought I heard a something. I told myself that I was dreaming, that it couldn't be what I thought it was. I don't know what time lapsed from those initial thoughts but it was almost like a ton of bricks fell on me as I woke very quickly when I realized that no, this was very real. A woman was screaming for help outside (in what seemed like the parking lot just outside my window... I'll learn later that this wasn't the case). I can't describe the sheer volume she screamed at but it was desperate. I'll spare the heartbreaking details of her cries but it was evident she was being hurt and she was begging for help. I grabbed my firearm and I began to dial 9-1-1... quite hysterically. I shut off all the lights and tried to peer out my blinds to see anything but it was DARK. It almost felt like the street lights were not even on (although I know they had to be). I just remember darkness and helplessness as I talked to the dispatcher. I continued to describe what this woman was screaming into the darkness, feeling more and more sick and helpless that there was nothing I could do for her. I still can't describe that feeling of listening to someone being hurt and I don't think I ever will. And then the worst happened... silence. In my mind, in that moment, that silence consumed everything. It robbed me of any peace and security I had in my safe apartment. I later found out that that it wasn't a random attack in my parking lot like I thought but rather a domestic violence incident in the apartment complex that neighbors my apartment complex. Luckily, that young woman was going to be ok but that moment affected me deeply. It would be months before I was able to leave my apartment before it was light out to go to the gym or even to get to school early, sleep without being terrified of hearing something, and stop having nightmares of her voice. It'll be something that lives with me forever but over the 2019, I learned to wade through the feelings of confusion for being so effected by something that didn't happen to me but rather experienced this awful moment. I saw the other side of it through a lot of prayer, reading my bible and self reflection in where and with whom my true security lies. As I said, this prompted my word of 2019: fearless, as I was determined to not let that moment continue to define me and my year.

After the incident occurred, I did begin to experience some health issues but I attributed most everything to the post trauma of that experience and D2 year being stressful and consuming. Beyond being too scared to work out in the mornings, what work outs I did in the day time became very difficult for me. It was almost if my body was saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!" and would be very sick for days after a simple work out. I had a lot of tearful talks with Jon (who is my angel and rock through these very difficult times) that I was so tired and it wasn't just your "oh I'm really tired because I am a dental student and going through a lot," that it had to be something more. But I brushed it off and said I just needed to get to break. I made it to Thanksgiving and Christmas break, continued to work through my anxiety and everything D2 year was throwing at me. I had such precious time with my family and I knew it would get better. I felt better and I was determined to start off my new year fearless and in a better place. It was a conscious effort and I couldn't have done it without my family and my friends who knew about everything happening constantly checking in on me and uplifting me. I can never convey my gratitude for everything everyone did for me. How can thank people for saving you? You simply can't but thank you. 

2019: And then January happened. One day I noticed my tongue went numb and I felt that maybe I had burnt it... no big deal. Then two days later, my palate went numb. As a dental professional, yes this peaked my interest and worry. I tried to just pass it off as a fluke until the following day my upper lip and tip of my nose went numb. At the urging of a couple of my instructors (and my own worry), I visited the ER (big shout out to my in laws who spent the night with me there... I can't ever repay you). The ER doctor passed me off as a stressed dental student and that stress can do weird things to the body. I felt somewhat relieved but it didn't add up for me because it was new and I knew it wasn't normal. Side note: trust your instincts on your health. It was visit to our school dental clinic and a conversation with one of our specialists that suggested a visit my PCP and the word autoimmune was first said. After a couple of visits with a provider who I wasn't even supposed to see (she is a true angel) and a lot of blood work, I finally got the call around my 31st birthday that I did indeed have an autoimmune disease: autoimmune thyroiditis. Thankfully, I fell into the very early stages of it, meaning I had over double the amount of Thyroglobulin antibodies in my system and my body was basically attacking my thyroid. After everything, it did make me sad for my "new norm" and what that would mean moving forward in all aspects of my life, but I kept reminding myself that there is a purpose in what God has had me go through. I still cling to that, although it may not be fully realized for a while. Even in the depths of those dark moments of fear and uncertainty, I'm grateful for the road I walked. Luckily, my thyroid levels were still unaffected (so we really do not know if I have hyper- Graves or hypo-Hashimoto, but all my signs have pointed to Hashimotos) and it was thankfully caught early because now we know what to look for when the time comes. I will have routine blood work done to check for changes in my antibody levels and thyroid levels a couple times each year for the rest of my life. I started a big over haul of my diet to held reduce inflammation in my body. I have been so fortunate to have health care providers who listened to me and supported my decision to start my "healing" with diet. It isn't the easiest lifestyle change when you are a foodie. Ha.  I had to work hard at making sure I kept my stress low and sleep a lot more. It slowed me down a lot from my normal. But, I am so thankful to report that my blood work completed in November showed my antibody levels were still high but they were at the high end of NORMAL. I'll take it!
My husband has been my constant through this... even dropping everything to fly out with me after my ER visit, amongst his busy schedule. He has advocated for my health when I felt like giving up. When I say I couldn't do it without him, I truly mean it.

I look back now at how those months tried every fiber of my being. I consider myself a fairly strong and independent person but I was reduced to someone too scared to leave my little apartment if the sun hadn't started piercing the day... it wasn't happening, or if it did, I had to call or FaceTime Jon to do it. I was a person who ran countless miles and half marathons, hiked 14,000 foot mountains and found my zen in those things but I could barely run a mile. It made no sense to me and in those times in trying to wrap my head around it all, became very defeating and overwhelming. I have such an incredible tribe of family and friends who carried me through these valleys. Again, thank you will never be enough. I am grateful for 2018 and 2019, even the dark days. I am thankful God picked me to walk through those valleys. It's made me a better person, made me relish the mountain tops greater,  and further more, it's made me a better practitioner/dentist. So, if you feel confused as to why God is having you walk the bumpy road you are on, look beyond the "why" and embrace the steps as they come. Let them slow you down, grow you and make you thankful for the lessons that are not seen just yet.

Live. Love. Gratitude.

Melissa