I've sat here for days with this very blog on my mind. I've been praying about what to write and how to convey these days I am walking through. To be honest, it's hard because the world's noise has been louder than ever before and I have failed at tuning it out and focusing on God's still small voice. I've literally wrote blog after blog but erased it because it was ME writing it, rather than what God has laid on my heart and my heart does all the talking. To be honest, it has frustrated me to no end. Most of you know how deeply music speaks to me and today is no different.
As I unwound from my day of lab, class and many hours of tutoring, I flipped on my iTunes and hit shuffle. Many songs began to play but one really stopped me in my tracks. It is one of my most favorite songs and although I have heard it more times than I can count, I knew God meant it for me in those rare quiet moments by myself tonight. And I paused. "It Is Well" by Bethel Music played through my phone. If you have never heard this song, it is such a beautiful song and it struck a chord in my heart tonight. Go listen to it! Life may be coming in around you but nothing is too big or too large for my God and therefore it is well with my soul. My favorite line and one of the most beautiful in the song... "So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name."
The waves and the wind... much beyond my control (like all things in life) know HIS name.... not the name of worry, not the name of doubt, not the name of defeat or heartbreak. They know God's name. He is. He was. He will ALWAYS be. Talk about being put in my place tonight. I've been asked so many times over the past weeks how life and school are going and if I am excited for my trip... which I leave for in a WEEK. I've had so many opportunities to talk about RoMed this week and that is a blessing but that excitement has been quite shielded by the surmounting stress that has loomed over me. All I can talk about is getting on a plane and beginning my trip without the many tests that are standing in my way. My heart broke at that revelation tonight. Romania is one of the most special things in my life and it has changed it in so many ways and that trumps all the stress. Will I be beyond thrilled for that moment? You bet ya! Am I ready for my wave of stress to pass? I can't even tell you how bad. But what have I lost sight of... that wave of stress... the wave that knows His name and His alone. So what is my job in all of this? Letting go. "Through it all. Through it all, my eyes are on you. And it is well."
What better example in all of our stressors in life about letting go than the example of God letting go of His Son for our sake. And Jesus spent Himself for us. So why is it so hard for us to let go and die to ourselves and spend our time on Him, rather than worry and stress? Well, the simple answer is we are human but can we not learn a lesson in His likeness. Isn't it our goal to be like Him? He let go... we must let go, to live. We must open our eyes beyond on our own woes in life and to turn them to Him and to those whom He loves and choose to choose serving and loving others above ourselves. With this, I believe this how we truly let go of this selfish holding patterns that we allow ourselves to get stuck in. And as a wise friend said to me just last week, amid all my talk of worry and defeat... she said... "but you will be blessed." That is such a beautiful truth, regardless of my worry and stress... He chooses to bless me and I do not deserve one bit of it. Surely, every moment I've spent in Romania were blessed and life changing ones. So much so, leaving, tears my heart into pieces, leaving larger pieces behind each time I leave.
My prayer is that everyone chooses to see the "It is well" in this life and let go and let your heart be broken for what breaks His and let your heart long for His desires. Even. Amid. Our. Stressors. Let go. This is for the lesson I pray on my own heart, as He has already blessed me and our RoMed team in the days leading up to our departure. I am so grateful. I feel like God has constantly used my life as a testament of slowing down, letting go and letting God. I'm proud to be His ever changing work in progress.
So, one week from today, I will be on my way to Arkansas to begin my trip with our amazing team on Friday. I ask for your prayers as everyone comes together to make this long journey. I pray that you prepare the hearts of our team stateside and abroad, as well as those we will touch through our work. I ask for a huge praise as 11 of our med suitcases have been waived of fees. It is such a huge stress of our team's and God is so very good for answering such a HUGE prayer. Next time I update you, I will be enroute to Romania or on it's beautiful soil!
Live. Laugh. Love and Let Go.
Melissa
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
When God Says "Not Right Now."
Have you ever been so set on a goal but you feel like the world is standing in your way or it doesn't pan out? Did you ever feel so frustrated because you wanted something so badly but you know it's not the right time? Have you ever prayed so hard for a dream to come true but you feel like God isn't hearing you? My quiet time this morning explored the essence of these questions in depth and it resonated so deeply with me as I feel like this is such an integral part of "my story" that God is so graciously writing.
There is some obscure home video of me out there, circa age 10ish, that has me responding to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I believe I rattled off something about being a singer and possibly something else, but I ended with wanting to be a dentist. In high school, I spent a lot time shadowing in dental offices and found myself so in love with the idea of becoming a dentist through a lot of mentors I met along the way. When I began college, I wanted it but I found myself in this constant battle of setbacks and no where near becoming a dentist. My junior year, I found myself in dental hygiene school, I was so elated and actually a bit surprised that I made it in on my first try. The first time I sat in class, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be. The first time I saw a patient, I was hooked and I knew I had been called to something so special, but I never lost that dream to be a dentist. That want stayed with me even as I practiced private practice hygiene but I had surrendered to the thought that that dream would never come to fruition for me. I had become okay with that thought. But as you have read before in my blog, my second dental mission in 2013 to Romania, reignited that fire it me and I felt as though God cleaned the glass of my soul so that I may see that dream clearly again. Even with those moments where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am called to chase my dream of becoming a dentist, obstacles befell me and I would go back to that place of saying this dream must not be for me. I did a lot of crying and pleading with God in the first months of our move as I waited (impatiently) for a Colorado License and wondering what is it God wanted me to do if this whole dental school thing really wasn't working. I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt... unheard. But then... God showed me in huge ways that He was indeed listening and He said "now is the time." I enrolled in UCCS a year ago and felt excited and terrified. I am a "non-traditional" student, a busy military wife and very much obligated to my licensure as a hygienist to keep up my craft. I thought to myself, how will I be able to do it all? But as I started back to school, my fears were calmed by my Father and I have learned to trust him on a deeper level. For that, I am thankful. After I started back, I finally got my long awaited Colorado dental hygiene license. I immediately knew if I received that license just a month earlier, before I enrolled in school, I wouldn't have gone back and I would probably be in private practice again with the "what if" lingering on my heart. God hears. He listens. He knows when the "right now" is the most perfect.
There are many biblical examples of dreams not being fulfilled immediately, a couple of them: Noah had a dream of building an ark... it took him 120 years; The Israelites were brought out of Egypt but wandered for 40 years before they went into the Promise land (when in reality, it was only about a two-week walk between Israel and Egypt). God uses delays to prepare us for the challenges ahead and to test us. What if the Israelites would have entered into war unprepared? God knew they needed time or they couldn't have handled it? Delays are used by God for His perfect design!
So when your dream seems like it is on this perpetual delay, how do you respond? Focus on God's presence and know that He is hearing you, and He is listening. Sometimes His answer is "not right now," even if you want it right now. Trust His design.
Live. Laugh. And trust in His design.
Melissa
There is some obscure home video of me out there, circa age 10ish, that has me responding to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I believe I rattled off something about being a singer and possibly something else, but I ended with wanting to be a dentist. In high school, I spent a lot time shadowing in dental offices and found myself so in love with the idea of becoming a dentist through a lot of mentors I met along the way. When I began college, I wanted it but I found myself in this constant battle of setbacks and no where near becoming a dentist. My junior year, I found myself in dental hygiene school, I was so elated and actually a bit surprised that I made it in on my first try. The first time I sat in class, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be. The first time I saw a patient, I was hooked and I knew I had been called to something so special, but I never lost that dream to be a dentist. That want stayed with me even as I practiced private practice hygiene but I had surrendered to the thought that that dream would never come to fruition for me. I had become okay with that thought. But as you have read before in my blog, my second dental mission in 2013 to Romania, reignited that fire it me and I felt as though God cleaned the glass of my soul so that I may see that dream clearly again. Even with those moments where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am called to chase my dream of becoming a dentist, obstacles befell me and I would go back to that place of saying this dream must not be for me. I did a lot of crying and pleading with God in the first months of our move as I waited (impatiently) for a Colorado License and wondering what is it God wanted me to do if this whole dental school thing really wasn't working. I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt... unheard. But then... God showed me in huge ways that He was indeed listening and He said "now is the time." I enrolled in UCCS a year ago and felt excited and terrified. I am a "non-traditional" student, a busy military wife and very much obligated to my licensure as a hygienist to keep up my craft. I thought to myself, how will I be able to do it all? But as I started back to school, my fears were calmed by my Father and I have learned to trust him on a deeper level. For that, I am thankful. After I started back, I finally got my long awaited Colorado dental hygiene license. I immediately knew if I received that license just a month earlier, before I enrolled in school, I wouldn't have gone back and I would probably be in private practice again with the "what if" lingering on my heart. God hears. He listens. He knows when the "right now" is the most perfect.
There are many biblical examples of dreams not being fulfilled immediately, a couple of them: Noah had a dream of building an ark... it took him 120 years; The Israelites were brought out of Egypt but wandered for 40 years before they went into the Promise land (when in reality, it was only about a two-week walk between Israel and Egypt). God uses delays to prepare us for the challenges ahead and to test us. What if the Israelites would have entered into war unprepared? God knew they needed time or they couldn't have handled it? Delays are used by God for His perfect design!
So when your dream seems like it is on this perpetual delay, how do you respond? Focus on God's presence and know that He is hearing you, and He is listening. Sometimes His answer is "not right now," even if you want it right now. Trust His design.
Live. Laugh. And trust in His design.
Melissa
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Even in all the chaos, I'm called...
Today I finished my last two finals of the semester. Even though I have enjoyed an evening of no homework, no looming quizzes and just mindless activities, I am still bewildered from this semester. I say I am "bewildered" for a few reasons. This semester was a flash and I cannot even wrap my mind around how I am seeing the end of it....almost unscathed. Within that flash, was one of the most challenging semesters academically that I have ever experienced in all my career of being a student. There were really high highs and many lows throughout this semester and at times I really began to rethink my decisions amidst my stress. A small glimpse into the mess: 3-4 quizzes per week between all my classes, on top of assignments and labs due. This might not seem like much but when you have dinner to cook and a house to keep... it adds up. Usually school comes in waves and you can "catch your breath" in between the "waves" but this semester was a consistent flood. I would see jobs come through my e-mail box that I know I could take and go back to working private practice hygiene to enjoy "the simple life." To be honest, I really miss that life most days. But it never failed that amidst the chaos and dark times, I was reminded constantly by my Savior that I am called to this life that I am living. I would see my purpose through family and friends who have loved me and supported me relentlessly, most often on the days where I felt I was near my breaking point. Grateful will never cover those moments and I feel that I have failed a lot this semester in showing my thanks for all the kindness shown to me. My biggest reminder this semester came through a simple e-mail a couple months ago.
"ROMed 2015" was displayed in the subject title with the first line within the e-mail from Sandy stating: "Did that make your heart skip a beat?" It did. Just days earlier, I had one of my lowest moments of my semester after a week of quizzes. During a calculus test on a Friday... I finally broke. Much to my humiliation, it resulted in my first ever panic attack to include tears, struggling to breath and gagging. Yeah, I said it, gagging. It was that day when I said to myself that surely, I couldn't handle going to dental school if it took one bad week and a calculus test to bring on such an awful episode. I figured, as I have many times in my life, that I cannot do it and somehow my life needs to take a different path. Truth is, I can't do it but God can and as my heart skipped many beats as I read the ROMed e-mail, I was firmly reminded that God always can. As I read that we will be going back October of this year, I remembered just how specifically He has called me and exactly why I want to become a dentist. I needed that reminder, in the worst way, and it has pushed me through this crazy semester with grace. I am thankful that the good Lord has grace on my soul... daily, when I do not deserve it.
It was 2013 before our move to Colorado, in Romania, when I knew exactly that God was calling me to apply to dental school. I have had that dream since before I went to dental hygiene school and I know He has prepared me to this very moment to do what He has called me to do. For those of you who know me well, Romania and all of my precious friends and the people there have such a very large chunk of my heart. I let them have it, gladly. God willing, I will continue to go and leave more each time, which is why I can hardly contain myself to know I will be back in October! It's even more exciting to think that within the next couple trips after this year, I could be going as a dentist and do what I have dreamed of doing... doing more to serve these amazing people because they deserve every bit of what our wonderful team can offer and more! God knew that I needed refocus my energy on His plans, rather than what I thought I needed to do (or not do) to remind me that He calls me to beautiful and big things even when the road to get there is long and trying. Again, for that I am so very grateful.
So, in the months ahead of our trip, I'm making a promise to be better about blogging my journey through a school filled summer and preparation for Romania. The doors that have already been flung wide open to make way for ROMed 2015 possible for me, personally, have been amazing! All my professors for the fall have given me the thumbs up to pursue this! I am still amazed at God's goodness and their understanding! I ask for your prayers for our team full of "veterans" and also some awesome new faces this year! Pray that the way is already being prepared for us to do God's work through our medical, dental and vision teams, as well as opening the hearts of those we will be serving.
When I think about Romania and I tell people about it, I talk about all the eye opening moments where you can see God at work. I laugh about the fun moments our team has and I will also remember how tired you are... but it's the best kind of tired. Even amidst the fatigue and the chaos that comes with long clinic days, just like my crazy semester, I am called. I am so thankful I am called. What are you called to or what is God calling you to that maybe you have said "I can't"? I am proof positive that He can, just let him.
Live. Laugh. Be called.
Melissa
"ROMed 2015" was displayed in the subject title with the first line within the e-mail from Sandy stating: "Did that make your heart skip a beat?" It did. Just days earlier, I had one of my lowest moments of my semester after a week of quizzes. During a calculus test on a Friday... I finally broke. Much to my humiliation, it resulted in my first ever panic attack to include tears, struggling to breath and gagging. Yeah, I said it, gagging. It was that day when I said to myself that surely, I couldn't handle going to dental school if it took one bad week and a calculus test to bring on such an awful episode. I figured, as I have many times in my life, that I cannot do it and somehow my life needs to take a different path. Truth is, I can't do it but God can and as my heart skipped many beats as I read the ROMed e-mail, I was firmly reminded that God always can. As I read that we will be going back October of this year, I remembered just how specifically He has called me and exactly why I want to become a dentist. I needed that reminder, in the worst way, and it has pushed me through this crazy semester with grace. I am thankful that the good Lord has grace on my soul... daily, when I do not deserve it.
It was 2013 before our move to Colorado, in Romania, when I knew exactly that God was calling me to apply to dental school. I have had that dream since before I went to dental hygiene school and I know He has prepared me to this very moment to do what He has called me to do. For those of you who know me well, Romania and all of my precious friends and the people there have such a very large chunk of my heart. I let them have it, gladly. God willing, I will continue to go and leave more each time, which is why I can hardly contain myself to know I will be back in October! It's even more exciting to think that within the next couple trips after this year, I could be going as a dentist and do what I have dreamed of doing... doing more to serve these amazing people because they deserve every bit of what our wonderful team can offer and more! God knew that I needed refocus my energy on His plans, rather than what I thought I needed to do (or not do) to remind me that He calls me to beautiful and big things even when the road to get there is long and trying. Again, for that I am so very grateful.
So, in the months ahead of our trip, I'm making a promise to be better about blogging my journey through a school filled summer and preparation for Romania. The doors that have already been flung wide open to make way for ROMed 2015 possible for me, personally, have been amazing! All my professors for the fall have given me the thumbs up to pursue this! I am still amazed at God's goodness and their understanding! I ask for your prayers for our team full of "veterans" and also some awesome new faces this year! Pray that the way is already being prepared for us to do God's work through our medical, dental and vision teams, as well as opening the hearts of those we will be serving.
When I think about Romania and I tell people about it, I talk about all the eye opening moments where you can see God at work. I laugh about the fun moments our team has and I will also remember how tired you are... but it's the best kind of tired. Even amidst the fatigue and the chaos that comes with long clinic days, just like my crazy semester, I am called. I am so thankful I am called. What are you called to or what is God calling you to that maybe you have said "I can't"? I am proof positive that He can, just let him.
Live. Laugh. Be called.
Melissa
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Good Friday
As I logged into my blogspot, it jumped out at me that my last blog was 8 months ago. Not that I have just have a whole ton of readers and followers... let's face it, it's just my family and closest friends, but I haven't done a great job updating as to what is going on in our world. To be honest, school has consumed me and I will leave it at that. I am very much looking forward to summer and my upcoming FINAL semesters! Anywho, I digress. Truth is, I am writing because tomorrow is a special day for a couple of reasons. It is Good Friday and it is 10 years since Brady went home.
I smiled to myself when I realized that those two fell together. Many of you have probably heard me talk about Brady or maybe read when I have wrote about him before. I refuse to let any day, especially April 3rd, go by without letting people know how my life is forever changed by this young man and what he stood for. I feel that it is imperative, as I know his sweet family feels the very same, to keep his amazing legacy and message alive. While I know dates cycle in and out, I believe that it is special that 10 years to the day we lost Brady, we lost the One he loved so dearly and the promise that the somber day of Good Friday holds. Let me explain.
Brady sought after Christ with his whole heart and he longed for everyone to know Him on the most deep, intimate and beautiful of levels. I sat tonight holding the block that he gave our youth group as a reminder on the night he preached about being a building block for Christ in not only our little town of Cabot, Arkansas but the world. I still remember that night and how deeply it encouraged me and challenged me. That block sits on my desk looking at me... all the way in Colorado Springs and I still feel that fire I saw in him. For an 18 year old, he was beyond his years and I am so incredibly blessed that I knew him and I carry his legacy inside of me. I also have a beautiful frame, given to me by his precious parents for my college graduation with his quote... Love God. Love people. That frame too, sits on my desk, next to Brady's block. He lived to serve others regardless of where he was: his ROTC unit, his future marines, his family, his friends and his community. I remember this was so evident as we celebrated his young short life at his viewing and funeral. I am still taken back by those days as I looked around and saw a glimpse into the lives he touched... and just a portion sitting in that sanctuary. At his services, the verses Revelation 3:15-16,19-20 will be forever highlighted in my old bible on those tear stained pages. "I know all the things you do. You are like lukewarm water. You are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were one of the other!... Be diligent and turn from your indifference. "Look! Here I stand at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door, I will come in, and we share a meal as friends." (TNLT) I wrote out to the side, "Be on fire," and "Love," as I know Brady would expect no less of me. While I know I have failed, that desire to be on fire and to "Love God. Love people." have shaped my being and my life and I am forever grateful. That is why I think it is no mistake that Brady's day falls on Good Friday. On the day that God gave his only Son to die on the cross for the atonement from our sins... the greatest love for people (the very ones persecuting Him) was demonstrated... this example is the one that flowed so deeply through Brady's veins. Love. The crux of our faith, as Christians is based upon this day but death and hurt did not have the last say because Sunday came and "Death was swallowed up in victory." (1 Cor 15:49) While, I miss Brady, as I know that all of those who love him do as well, his death on April 3rd did not overcome or overshadow the victories he had and the seeds he had planted that I know are still being sewn. I will always hurt a bit on April 3rd for the amazing person this world lost, so quick and too soon but I will celebrate for the life that he lived and continues to live in Heaven and here on Earth through others, including myself. I choose to recognize the painful significance and depth of Good Friday and celebrate that because of Jesus' selfless sacrifice on the cross, death does not win in this life, for me... for anyone. I am promised Heaven. I am promised a reunion with all of those who have gone before me... my Grandma, Betty, my Grandpa, Earl, my Uncle, Jay, and my Brady. Thank you God, for giving me that promise.
I encourage you, as you reflect on Good Friday and Easter weekend, that you remember the love and victory that encompasses this weekend that God bestowed upon us through his Son. Choose to be a "Brady" and "Love God. Love people." relentlessly. Be a building block in your town and be firmly rooted in Christ, so that you will be an example for His beauty. My challenge to myself and to you, as well, is to light your fire and pursue love for others amidst a world that is increasingly dimmer and dimmer and think of Brady. I know I will.
I smiled to myself when I realized that those two fell together. Many of you have probably heard me talk about Brady or maybe read when I have wrote about him before. I refuse to let any day, especially April 3rd, go by without letting people know how my life is forever changed by this young man and what he stood for. I feel that it is imperative, as I know his sweet family feels the very same, to keep his amazing legacy and message alive. While I know dates cycle in and out, I believe that it is special that 10 years to the day we lost Brady, we lost the One he loved so dearly and the promise that the somber day of Good Friday holds. Let me explain.
Brady sought after Christ with his whole heart and he longed for everyone to know Him on the most deep, intimate and beautiful of levels. I sat tonight holding the block that he gave our youth group as a reminder on the night he preached about being a building block for Christ in not only our little town of Cabot, Arkansas but the world. I still remember that night and how deeply it encouraged me and challenged me. That block sits on my desk looking at me... all the way in Colorado Springs and I still feel that fire I saw in him. For an 18 year old, he was beyond his years and I am so incredibly blessed that I knew him and I carry his legacy inside of me. I also have a beautiful frame, given to me by his precious parents for my college graduation with his quote... Love God. Love people. That frame too, sits on my desk, next to Brady's block. He lived to serve others regardless of where he was: his ROTC unit, his future marines, his family, his friends and his community. I remember this was so evident as we celebrated his young short life at his viewing and funeral. I am still taken back by those days as I looked around and saw a glimpse into the lives he touched... and just a portion sitting in that sanctuary. At his services, the verses Revelation 3:15-16,19-20 will be forever highlighted in my old bible on those tear stained pages. "I know all the things you do. You are like lukewarm water. You are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were one of the other!... Be diligent and turn from your indifference. "Look! Here I stand at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door, I will come in, and we share a meal as friends." (TNLT) I wrote out to the side, "Be on fire," and "Love," as I know Brady would expect no less of me. While I know I have failed, that desire to be on fire and to "Love God. Love people." have shaped my being and my life and I am forever grateful. That is why I think it is no mistake that Brady's day falls on Good Friday. On the day that God gave his only Son to die on the cross for the atonement from our sins... the greatest love for people (the very ones persecuting Him) was demonstrated... this example is the one that flowed so deeply through Brady's veins. Love. The crux of our faith, as Christians is based upon this day but death and hurt did not have the last say because Sunday came and "Death was swallowed up in victory." (1 Cor 15:49) While, I miss Brady, as I know that all of those who love him do as well, his death on April 3rd did not overcome or overshadow the victories he had and the seeds he had planted that I know are still being sewn. I will always hurt a bit on April 3rd for the amazing person this world lost, so quick and too soon but I will celebrate for the life that he lived and continues to live in Heaven and here on Earth through others, including myself. I choose to recognize the painful significance and depth of Good Friday and celebrate that because of Jesus' selfless sacrifice on the cross, death does not win in this life, for me... for anyone. I am promised Heaven. I am promised a reunion with all of those who have gone before me... my Grandma, Betty, my Grandpa, Earl, my Uncle, Jay, and my Brady. Thank you God, for giving me that promise.
I encourage you, as you reflect on Good Friday and Easter weekend, that you remember the love and victory that encompasses this weekend that God bestowed upon us through his Son. Choose to be a "Brady" and "Love God. Love people." relentlessly. Be a building block in your town and be firmly rooted in Christ, so that you will be an example for His beauty. My challenge to myself and to you, as well, is to light your fire and pursue love for others amidst a world that is increasingly dimmer and dimmer and think of Brady. I know I will.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Sunday Summer Night
Usually our weekends consist of dining out for a couple of meals and in turn, we cook at home throughout the week. It's kind of our "cheat time" and my attempt at eating clean/healthy 80% of the time and cheating 20% of the time. It's a balance that seems to work well for us because we like leading a healthy lifestyle. But I will be the first to admit, we are very much "foodies." I mean, living in Colorado Springs where there are lots of unique local restaurants, begs us to cheat 20% of the time! Ha! No shame.
But no, seriously, we love to try and cook as clean, organic and healthy as possible. We have become much more aware on how to do it on a budget since I am currently unemployed. Let me tell you, it is possible and so worth it. You just feel better! This is the point where all military spouses rejoice, forget about the commissary annoyances and feel thankful to grocery shop for great fresh food at a slight discount and tax free... or at least that is how it is at our commissary at the USAFA.
So! What about our adventures this weekend? We had a wonderful Korean meal at Happy Time Dine In in CO Springs (definitely a must go if you are in the area) on Friday night! The food was all extremely fresh with the right amount of spice and plethora of different sides. Their kimchi is really to die for. Ok, I'll stop salivating and move on. After we stuffed our faces there, we were invited into the home of some our new friends! What a blessing! Saturday, we found ourselves out to lunch while the pups got a much needed bath after the dog park and again today after church, we were out to lunch again at a hole-in-the-wall mexican joint that wasn't too bad. Tonight, it was time to make something simple, fresh and filling at home.
After reviewing my meal plan for the next week, I knew what I wanted to make. I recently pinned a few recipes through a great page, "Bless this Mess" that I found here. I chose to do the simple oven baked potatoes and a strawberry cucumber spinach salad with a greek yogurt dressing. Can I say I have a healthy obsession with greek yogurt? So, this was perfect!
I started with the base recipe for these perfect oven baked potatoes! I have never baked potatoes without foil but I was really pleased with the result. It left the skin of the potato perfect and delicious and I usually don't got for the skins. So, that says a lot. I embellished this recipe with some healthier topping options! Let's get started!
What you'll need:
Desired amount of medium-smaller sized potatoes
Extra Virgin Olive Oil (you could do some coconut oil, I may try this next time)
Sea Salt
Ground Black Pepper
Unsalted Butter (I chose organic)
Fat-Free Plain Greek Yogurt
Fat-Free Crumbled Feta Cheese
Green Onions (thinly sliced green/white portions)
First, I will suggest moving your oven shelving towards the bottom. I placed a baking sheet on the lowermost rack to catch anything that may fall from the potatoes. Why may you ask? Well, you are placing your potatoes straight on the rack above the baking sheet. I had never done this but trust the base recipe! Now, Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.
I grabbed 4 russet potatoes. I picked two medium sized potatoes and then to smaller because I knew they would be the perfect size for lunch. After giving them a good scrub down, per the recipe, I stabbed the potatoes a few times with a fork to allow steam to escape while cooking. I then used my hands to slather a light coating of olive oil on the potatoes and followed that with salting both sides.
When your oven is hot and ready, set those potatoes on the rack above the baking sheet and let them cook for an hour. I originally set my timer to 45 minutes but I found my medium sized potatoes weren't quite done yet. An hour seemed to be the magic number.
Look at those golden beauties!
After the potatoes are done (they will have a slight give when you squeeze the sides), remove your baking sheet and then your potatoes (I set them on the baking sheet). Carefully, I made a thin cut down the middle of each potato and gaven them a good squeeze to reveal the moist potatoey goodness ready for toppings!
I put a small pad of the organic unsalted butter inside the potato, a scoop of nonfat plain greek yogurt (my go-to alternative to sour cream), a palm full of crumbled fat free feta cheese and followed with a sprinkling of the green onion slices.
Let's backtrack a little now and we will join the yummy potatoes later! While my potatoes were cooking away on the oven rack, I began to execute the original recipe for the Strawberry Cucumber Spinach Salad with Greek Yogurt Dressing. I kept it pretty true to the recipe but I made used some ingredients in larger quantities.
Here's what I used for the salad:
8 oz of Fresh Spinach (washed and dried)
8 oz of Fresh Sliced Strawberries
1/2 of a Large Cucumber Sliced into Half Moons
2-3 Green Onions sliced thinly (white and green)
1/2 cup of Raw Almonds
For the dressing:
4 TBSP Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
3 TBSP Lemon Juice (I used organic)
2 TBSP Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 TBSP Fresh Basil finely chopped (from my garden, SCORE!)
2 TBSP Honey, to taste
Salt and Pepper to taste
A dash of pure vanilla (I added this)
I constructed my salad first! I am very methodical in my salad building, always. I like nice even layers of ingredients. So, I laid down a base layer of spinach and topped it with 1/4 of the strawberries, cucumbers, almonds and green onion slices. I repeated that four times to fill my bowl. You may use a different ratio depending on the size of your bowl! Now get to slicing your cucumbers, strawberries and green onions!
Away from the recipe, I did chose to not toss my salad in my dressing because I knew I wanted some left overs and no one likes really soggy spinach leaves a day after. So, I made my dressing in a bowl with a whisk. I combined my ingredients in the following manner: First I added my greek yogurt and lemon juice and whisked until it was a smooth consistency (left picture). Then I added my 2 TBSP of Extra Virgin Olive Oil (right picture) and whisked until it was smooth.
Nothing like whisking like you're mad. haha
As I was whisking my life away, I felt like I was being watched. By who?
Max & Lucy, chefs in training or opportunists?
Amidst my admirers, I used probably one of my most favorite kitchen tools in the world to finely chop my fresh basil from the garden, herb scissors. Seriously, if you don't have a pair, get them! They make your life so much easier. I found mine at Sur la Table!
Add in your basil (love the smell) and whisk until the basil is uniform into the greek yogurt mix. Next, add in your honey, salt and pepper to taste. This is where I decided that I needed a little something extra into the mix, so I grabbed my pure vanilla and gave a small dash. As soon as I did it, I thought I may regret it but it took the very fresh, lemony dressing to a little bit richer place!
The salad and dressing are just waiting on you and those potatoes cooking away. They are beautiful components to a simple but great meal!
Now, we will go back and remember those delicious potatoes that we constructed and reveal the final product!
My husband kept raving about the salad! He LOVED it and he's not too much of a salad eater! Also, he was surprised and could barely tell the difference when I told him that the "sour cream" on the potato was actually plain fat-free greek yogurt! So I consider this meal a win-win!
Maybe you'll make this fresh meal very soon? I guarantee you'll choose this as a go-to quick summer meal that makes about an hour and 5 minutes from total prep to table! Enjoy!
Live. Laugh. Love. Cook!
Melissa
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Home.
Home. I am sitting with a sleepy dog in my lap, enjoying a cup of coffee and watching the news today and just soaking in being back at home. There is something so nice about sitting and relaxing in YOUR home. But today, I sit here and I am missing home. Follow me for a few minutes.
Any person who has moved away from home will understand me when I say this: your home will always be different and separate from your home. I have our home here in Colorado. Jon and I love it here, our babies love it and we constantly talk about when our life in the military is no more and we finally settle down, that Colorado is at the top of our list to call "home." Then, Jon and I have two separate homes. This is the home that houses our families and some of our very closest friends. They are places that require quite a haul to visit but the distance becomes a vague memory the moment you step foot in the door. Through the door lies memories, love and comfort... all the things you crave when you're away. There is something romantic about going home because all the sounds, smells, tastes and feelings rush back to you as though you had never left. It's a relationship that you fall right back into. It's just special.
I took a 16 day trip back home to Arkansas and it was my first true "visit" since moving last November. It was a trip in which I had a couple different purposes for being there but no one large obligation to draw me in. I gained a new appreciation for my home after being gone for the past few months and coming back. You realize how precious your time is and stay careful in the ways that you utilize it. You become grossly aware of the people and things that are worth keeping in your life and those that are not. That may seem harsh, but it's true. In this trip, I was there for my sweet nephew's 2nd birthday, I had some great quality time with my 89 year old grandmother, I had one-on-one time with both of my parents (together and separately), I worked with my favorite co-workers, I got to go back to my hometown and see my very best friends and even snuggle on two brand new baby girls of two of my dearest friends. The only way to describe it was just... good. It was good for my soul. God only knew, I really needed it.
While I know that my home will always be where the military takes Jon and me, I will always have a longing for the familiar. I feel blessed that God entrusted Jon with a heart for the military, the want to make a difference and help others. I feel thankful that God gave me the heart to support and to love this lifestyle we are thrown into. My home formed me into that person. But, it is always the hardest for me to admit that I do have my days where I cry, I miss home, I miss having a girlfriend that I can call and you can bet we'll be meeting for lunch and dinner that night or I long to just drive to my parents house and just be. I was talking to one of my best friends about the struggles of military life and moving to a new place and a new base and having to uproot your life. All of these new transitions are riddled with a numerous amount of pros and unfortunately some cons. I described a military move as truly the worst aspects of the dating game or speed dating. You try to find the best things about a place only to realize no place is truly perfect. There will be things you don't like about any place, but on the flip side, you can always find some things you will love. You "church shop" until you find the right fit and hear God's calling to serve and join in that family of faith. You try to meet new friends but just when you think that "hey, I might have found one," you see that maybe that person wasn't even on the same page. Granted you have a constant friend in your spouse, but let's be honest... girls, you need at least one good girl friend! It's hard to find yourself in that place of loneliness and praying for the right friend to be brought into your life. But as sure as you are lonely, God will always provide those whom he sees fit for your life. Military wives, do you know what I mean? Do you find it hard to trust and know sometimes even when you think that you will forever sit at home with no friends? Some of my sweetest friends tho, God and the military led me to. I know they will be there no matter the PCS moves and the miles. I know God will be faithful and in due time provide those sweet friends with each move. All these things though that I just rambled off, bring you back to a place of being thankful for home where those wants and needs to love and feel accepted in a place far from home are grown.
A lot of people have told me that you will begin to look at home in a different light and pick up on different things each time you go back. This is so true. There were several things over the past couple of weeks that have touched me and queued some thoughts that I plan on sharing over the next couple of blogs. But today, I just simply wanted to write about home and how very special it is.
Live. Laugh. Love. & HOME.
Melissa
Any person who has moved away from home will understand me when I say this: your home will always be different and separate from your home. I have our home here in Colorado. Jon and I love it here, our babies love it and we constantly talk about when our life in the military is no more and we finally settle down, that Colorado is at the top of our list to call "home." Then, Jon and I have two separate homes. This is the home that houses our families and some of our very closest friends. They are places that require quite a haul to visit but the distance becomes a vague memory the moment you step foot in the door. Through the door lies memories, love and comfort... all the things you crave when you're away. There is something romantic about going home because all the sounds, smells, tastes and feelings rush back to you as though you had never left. It's a relationship that you fall right back into. It's just special.
I took a 16 day trip back home to Arkansas and it was my first true "visit" since moving last November. It was a trip in which I had a couple different purposes for being there but no one large obligation to draw me in. I gained a new appreciation for my home after being gone for the past few months and coming back. You realize how precious your time is and stay careful in the ways that you utilize it. You become grossly aware of the people and things that are worth keeping in your life and those that are not. That may seem harsh, but it's true. In this trip, I was there for my sweet nephew's 2nd birthday, I had some great quality time with my 89 year old grandmother, I had one-on-one time with both of my parents (together and separately), I worked with my favorite co-workers, I got to go back to my hometown and see my very best friends and even snuggle on two brand new baby girls of two of my dearest friends. The only way to describe it was just... good. It was good for my soul. God only knew, I really needed it.
While I know that my home will always be where the military takes Jon and me, I will always have a longing for the familiar. I feel blessed that God entrusted Jon with a heart for the military, the want to make a difference and help others. I feel thankful that God gave me the heart to support and to love this lifestyle we are thrown into. My home formed me into that person. But, it is always the hardest for me to admit that I do have my days where I cry, I miss home, I miss having a girlfriend that I can call and you can bet we'll be meeting for lunch and dinner that night or I long to just drive to my parents house and just be. I was talking to one of my best friends about the struggles of military life and moving to a new place and a new base and having to uproot your life. All of these new transitions are riddled with a numerous amount of pros and unfortunately some cons. I described a military move as truly the worst aspects of the dating game or speed dating. You try to find the best things about a place only to realize no place is truly perfect. There will be things you don't like about any place, but on the flip side, you can always find some things you will love. You "church shop" until you find the right fit and hear God's calling to serve and join in that family of faith. You try to meet new friends but just when you think that "hey, I might have found one," you see that maybe that person wasn't even on the same page. Granted you have a constant friend in your spouse, but let's be honest... girls, you need at least one good girl friend! It's hard to find yourself in that place of loneliness and praying for the right friend to be brought into your life. But as sure as you are lonely, God will always provide those whom he sees fit for your life. Military wives, do you know what I mean? Do you find it hard to trust and know sometimes even when you think that you will forever sit at home with no friends? Some of my sweetest friends tho, God and the military led me to. I know they will be there no matter the PCS moves and the miles. I know God will be faithful and in due time provide those sweet friends with each move. All these things though that I just rambled off, bring you back to a place of being thankful for home where those wants and needs to love and feel accepted in a place far from home are grown.
A lot of people have told me that you will begin to look at home in a different light and pick up on different things each time you go back. This is so true. There were several things over the past couple of weeks that have touched me and queued some thoughts that I plan on sharing over the next couple of blogs. But today, I just simply wanted to write about home and how very special it is.
Live. Laugh. Love. & HOME.
Melissa
The Sleeping Babe
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Embrace Your Story.
Today I decided that I would go to the mall to buy a couple of gifts and God gave us a beautiful day to get out in. But as magnificent as this day was, it turned very sour for me. This day was reminder of a post I have been wanting to write but haven't for whatever reason, I'm not sure. But I knew after a situation I witnessed today, I could not be silent and that the testimony that God has given me isn't in vain. This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and some of you know (some don't) that this subject is very close to my heart and is laced in the fibers of my story. We will get to that later. I want to talk about what happened today first. I also want to let people know why having awareness of an ED is important, even if it doesn't effect you.
I parked my car, stepped out, locked up and began to walk to the entrance. I notice 3 boys standing at the entrance. These "boys" were probably 11th or 12th grade and I could call them young "men" but that term would be to gracious to bestow upon these creeps. They were "hangin'" out at the front of the mall being productive customers, I'm sure, with their parent's money. I notice a young woman walking out of the mall, carrying to-go-food in large bags in both arms, while juggling her purse and keys. This lady was overweight but she was beautiful and she was dressed very tastefully and professionally. I assumed she was probably doing a run for the office for lunch. As this woman passed by these idiot children, they began to hurl some of the most foul comments and jabs about her weight very loud. I watched her head bow, shoulders slump, face crumble and she darted to her car. I broke inside but I'm sure my outside had a pretty distinct look of fury. I made a direct path to the little boys and said sentences to the effect of how immature and very unattractive they were and how I'm sure their mothers and Jesus are ashamed of them. Was the last part very right to say... probably not. But based on their laughter as I walked away, they didn't learn much and I'm sure the good Lord as a valuable lesson waiting for them. I was disgusted. I walked through the doors and all I could think about was that beautiful young girl and how crippling those words were to her. Do I know what it's like to walk in her shoes? Absolutely not. Do I know what it's like to have those words said to me? No. Do I know what it's like for people to make comments about your weight that meant in innocence or just poking fun? Yeah, I do. Words. They are powerful and it's about time we start using words to break the stereotypes of eating disorders and I can't think of a more fitting week than this one to start talking about it. Now, will these kids have a miraculous change of heart over night from their actions? I'll go with no. They may years down the road when they finally mature or go on to have daughters of their own. But will it be too late if the one person they choose to tear down decides that that day,they are not worth living. I can't bear the thought. Will this blog start some revolution that will take this heinous act that happens daily out of existence? I wish but of course not. But that is where I know God gave me a voice and a testimony to talk about a subject that may hit far to close to home for some people or open your eyes to those who may be suffering around you. Am I claiming that this girl has an ED? No. I'm I saying my story is harder than hers? No. This blog is about the community of ED's and it broadly effects those overweight and underweight when a form of addiction is present.
I realized, I have never shared my story on my blog. I have spoken to many young women around Arkansas about my story and I'm thankful for the testimony my story became. I feel ashamed that I haven't shared it more because at times I hate that part of my life because it is painful and embarrassing to share the "ugly" in your life. It's hard to just be real and give the details but I know that sometimes it can save a life. I'll take that.
In high school, I didn't have it rough by any means. I had great friends, I was involved heavily in church and school activities. I had a family that loved me. I made good grades, I worked for them, but I made good grades. Did I experience sadness in High School? Absolutely. You won't meet a high schooler that didn't. Just a hunch though. From the outward appearance, I probably looked like I had it together as much as a 16-18 year old can. But on the inside, Satan had a deep hold on my self esteem, my self worth and my want for control in my life. I am saved and have been since the age of 8. I recommitted my life at the tender age of 16 and I loved Jesus. I loved church. I knew right from wrong but as much as Jesus consumed my soul, Satan fought hard and won for a period of time in my life. I began to rationalize in my head how I had no control over anything. I was just too busy for my own good. At times, I knew I had put a lot of work into my school and my extracurricular activities but stress consumed me and instead of giving up and giving to God, I gave up. I began to see myself as this ugly person who couldn't keep up with anything. I began to justify that I just didn't have time to eat and that I needed to do something for school or get to my next practice or think about the next routine for the game. I've always been a thin girl. I've never struggled with weight gain. I have always had the battle of gaining weight to be healthy. Now, some people literally scoff at this to my face and call me lucky. But those who deal with this battle, know how frustrating it is and you have to maintain a health weight for several reasons: the loss of a menstrual cycle, increased risks for heart problems, early bone brittleness, lung problems, lowered immunity and a slew of nutritional deficiencies. Who wants that for themselves?
Stupidly, I began to just starve myself because, again, at the busy age of 16-18 years old, I "didn't have time" to eat. I would take a bite of something to just have something fill the ravenous pit that was my stomach to just shut it up and look like I was eating. This act soon led to purging for me and it began a sense of release for my stress that welled up inside me. I would finally eat and then find the right moments to leave. If anyone has ever harbored a secret like this... it kills you... it consumes you. I didn't want people to know because I was embarrassed of what they might think. My family, all my friends.... my youth group? What would they do if they knew? I look back now and I wondered how I functioned and how I kept going and not just collapse at a practice. That kind of emptiness and hunger just sends your head into a pounding rage, your heart races, you can't control your body temperature and inside you feel numb.
By my senior year, I weighed less than 100 lbs, which for a tall girl, is a very disgusting skinny. I got "mono" my senior year because no doubt my immune system was shot. I remember my Dad asking me at one point if I had started drugs and I laughed and said absolutely not. But thinking back to how rail thin I was, moody, angry, depressed, stressed and tired I appeared... I probably would ask my kid the same question. I continued on my path of self destruction but some how fell under the radar with everyone in my life and keeping myself concealed from the world was almost like a game. That is one of the biggest hurts from this portion of my life that still haunts me...I lied to everyone I knew. I lied to the very people who became my biggest cheerleaders. That still hurts me to this day. I would have battles with God because I didn't want to be like that. I knew how destructive this was. I would have a couple good days and then I was pulled right down under. It was an addiction. An addiction that almost ruined me. As if I didn't have enough on my plate for senior year, I took a job at a retail store in my small town. I loved working there and I made some awesome friends there. There is a friend I made there, she knows who she is, that really saw me for the mess that was me. This friend ended up being the beginning to my healing.
Around Christmas time, I feel like I was probably at my all time low and at times wondered if this was what my life would be and if I wanted to live it anymore. Guilt, shame and hurt just overtook me. I remember there was one night that I was home alone during Christmas break and I called a dear friend of mine and told him that I was just depressed and hurting and I didn't know how God or anyone could love me for that matter. I didn't divulge my ED. I remember him saying to me that there was nothing on Earth that could ever keep God, my family or friends from loving me. He suggested that maybe I talk to my Mom. That night, I feel like he talked me off the ledge and made me feel something I hadn't felt in a while... hope. I gave my Mom a brief synopsis of my struggle and played it off as not a big deal and that I was "handling it." She asked if I needed help and I said "No, I'm working on it."
I did good for a while but fell again. I couldn't do it on my own and God sent in a wake up call for me. The girl, that saw me for me, invited me to go eat dinner with her one afternoon after work. She then pulled over on the side of a freeway, locked the doors and turned to me and she simply said, "I know what you are doing to yourself." I laughed it off casually and asked what she was referring to. She said, "You know exactly what I'm talking about and if you do not get help for yourself. I will get help for you." I was stunned. I was angry. And then I broke. I cried. I told her everything that day and I promised her that I would get help that night. I felt slightly freed in that moment because I was no longer alone. Someone knew and she cared. That night, I lingered around my Mom trying to get the courage to talk to her. She will laugh because anytime I needed to talk about anything serious to her, I lingered until I finally told her. I was like her shadow. When we were the only two up that night, I laid across my Mom's lap at the age of 17, with my legs hanging over her reclining chair and I probably had one of the ugliest cries of my life. I told her everything and admitted to her I needed help badly. I tried to explain this ED wasn't because I thought I was fat or anything but it was what I thought was the antidote to my ugliness I felt on the inside, all the pain I held and the control I wanted so badly. I felt like the food and how it entered or left my body was the one thing I had control of. My Mom didn't judge me. She didn't get upset with me. My Mom held me that night and cried with me.... prayed over me. But most important, she loved me and let me know it. Within weeks, I was sitting in the office of a counselor who I can only describe as God's angel, Trish. She didn't want to solve my problems for me... she helped me use God, my faith and my soul that was buried by a lot of dirt to help me figure out how to face this demon. Trish reminded me I wasn't alone. I remember being so surprised that no one judged me... ever. Anyone who knew, just wanted to help. I saw Trish well into college and I feel like she had a huge impact on the person I am now. Did I fall at times? Yes. Is it a daily struggle? Yes. Do I ever just wake up and look in the mirror and see that old sad, hurt consumed, control hungry person? Absolutely. But all I have to do is ask God to take hold of my being and tell me that I am His and He is mine and that is all I need to push through.
That was longer than I anticipated as far as my story but I feel it's important that I share it all. So, back to my statement about words and how they play a huge roll in shedding light on people's understanding of eating disorders. There are some myths that people believe about ED's that leave individuals uneducated and unaware at the depth and broadness of this disease. First, an ED is not just anorexia or bulimia. It comes in the form of obsessive working out and dieting. Also, it presents itself in those who have food addictions that lead to being overweight. You may hear the term "binge-eating." Some who underweight and overweight can be victims of an ED. It's the addiction factor involved whether you are ridding food in your life or hoarding it. It is an ED. Several go undiagnosed, sadly. Another myth, women are it's only frequenters. This is absolutely not true. I believe the number is around 1 million men are affected per year from this awful disease. Also, some people believe that the media is the cause for ED's. While media can be harmful to one's self-esteem, it is not the soul cause for an ED, just as the want to lose weight is not the primary motivation to continue an ED for some. Mine was control and taking out all the ugliness I felt on the inside... on my outside. Food in your body is pretty easy to control when many life factors are not. Finally, but certainly not the last (I know there's more), you can tell someone has an ED just by looking at them. Not all skinny people starve themselves or purge. Not all overweight people obsessively eat. It's not fair to "judge a book by it's cover." God makes in all shapes and sizes and we are His beautiful creation.
I can't even begin to count the number of times when someone screetches out, "You're so tiny! Go eat some cake! It must be nice, you're so thin! Go put on some weight!" I'll just be real blunt. I want to scream at people who say these things to my face. One, they probably don't know my past and those who do know me, know I try very hard to put on weight, especially because of my past. When I started doing the Miss Arkansas Pageant System later in college, I got told that I was too thin and that if I wanted to win, I needed to "put some meat on my bones." That may shock people. I tried hard. I ate a lot. I took supplements. I lifted weights. I tried it all just to put on some little Olive Oil muscles and get a little weight in my behind. I cried a lot over this and again... I know some of you may sit there and scoff and say "Oh poor you Melissa! It must suck to be real thin." No it doesn't always suck, I'm sure it'll catch me one day around my 40's. But when I go to the doc, I get reminded that I'm too thin and that if I'd ever like to think of having kids, I'd better try hard. That's a hard pill to swallow and it hurts. I feel guilty that one day I may not get to fulfill my dream of being a mother because maybe I did too much damage to myself or I cannot gain the weight. Those who deal with this issue, you know the frustration. In my bluntness too, I have always wanted to ask the person telling me that I'm too skinny if they ever look at someone and say "You're too overweight." I think it's a pretty honest question and the answer would most likely be "Of course not!!" So why point out my weight, to my face. Some of the most hurtful remarks I receive deal with my weight. Remarks about weight used to be so taboo I feel but for some reason people now think it's ok, especially if you are "skinny." I can take a lot of things in stride but for me personally, it's hurtful and damaging. Just as I know that an "overweight" comment to someone is hurtful and damaging. Think about it.
So, after this long blog post, if you made it through, I hope you not only be aware to the silent victims of an ED who may be beside. You may be someone's beginning to a brighter future if you just have the courage to call them out of love... not hurt. Also, maybe you'll think of choosing your words of someone's weight whether it's to their face or not, more wisely. Maybe you will choose to build someone up rather than tear them down because their body isn't what society says is right. You never know what they may be dealing with. I know the week is coming to a close as March 1st will mark the end of the official awareness week but I encourage you to keep the awareness alive. If you can wear purple tomorrow to mark that you stand up for ED Awareness!
Thank you for letting me share my story. I feel it's therapeutic for me to share it and it is a reminder of what an awesome God I serve that took my mess and gave me a message. He gave me a test and turned it into a testimony. What messes and tests have God given you to in turn give back to him?
Live. Laugh. Embrace your story.
Melissa
I parked my car, stepped out, locked up and began to walk to the entrance. I notice 3 boys standing at the entrance. These "boys" were probably 11th or 12th grade and I could call them young "men" but that term would be to gracious to bestow upon these creeps. They were "hangin'" out at the front of the mall being productive customers, I'm sure, with their parent's money. I notice a young woman walking out of the mall, carrying to-go-food in large bags in both arms, while juggling her purse and keys. This lady was overweight but she was beautiful and she was dressed very tastefully and professionally. I assumed she was probably doing a run for the office for lunch. As this woman passed by these idiot children, they began to hurl some of the most foul comments and jabs about her weight very loud. I watched her head bow, shoulders slump, face crumble and she darted to her car. I broke inside but I'm sure my outside had a pretty distinct look of fury. I made a direct path to the little boys and said sentences to the effect of how immature and very unattractive they were and how I'm sure their mothers and Jesus are ashamed of them. Was the last part very right to say... probably not. But based on their laughter as I walked away, they didn't learn much and I'm sure the good Lord as a valuable lesson waiting for them. I was disgusted. I walked through the doors and all I could think about was that beautiful young girl and how crippling those words were to her. Do I know what it's like to walk in her shoes? Absolutely not. Do I know what it's like to have those words said to me? No. Do I know what it's like for people to make comments about your weight that meant in innocence or just poking fun? Yeah, I do. Words. They are powerful and it's about time we start using words to break the stereotypes of eating disorders and I can't think of a more fitting week than this one to start talking about it. Now, will these kids have a miraculous change of heart over night from their actions? I'll go with no. They may years down the road when they finally mature or go on to have daughters of their own. But will it be too late if the one person they choose to tear down decides that that day,they are not worth living. I can't bear the thought. Will this blog start some revolution that will take this heinous act that happens daily out of existence? I wish but of course not. But that is where I know God gave me a voice and a testimony to talk about a subject that may hit far to close to home for some people or open your eyes to those who may be suffering around you. Am I claiming that this girl has an ED? No. I'm I saying my story is harder than hers? No. This blog is about the community of ED's and it broadly effects those overweight and underweight when a form of addiction is present.
I realized, I have never shared my story on my blog. I have spoken to many young women around Arkansas about my story and I'm thankful for the testimony my story became. I feel ashamed that I haven't shared it more because at times I hate that part of my life because it is painful and embarrassing to share the "ugly" in your life. It's hard to just be real and give the details but I know that sometimes it can save a life. I'll take that.
In high school, I didn't have it rough by any means. I had great friends, I was involved heavily in church and school activities. I had a family that loved me. I made good grades, I worked for them, but I made good grades. Did I experience sadness in High School? Absolutely. You won't meet a high schooler that didn't. Just a hunch though. From the outward appearance, I probably looked like I had it together as much as a 16-18 year old can. But on the inside, Satan had a deep hold on my self esteem, my self worth and my want for control in my life. I am saved and have been since the age of 8. I recommitted my life at the tender age of 16 and I loved Jesus. I loved church. I knew right from wrong but as much as Jesus consumed my soul, Satan fought hard and won for a period of time in my life. I began to rationalize in my head how I had no control over anything. I was just too busy for my own good. At times, I knew I had put a lot of work into my school and my extracurricular activities but stress consumed me and instead of giving up and giving to God, I gave up. I began to see myself as this ugly person who couldn't keep up with anything. I began to justify that I just didn't have time to eat and that I needed to do something for school or get to my next practice or think about the next routine for the game. I've always been a thin girl. I've never struggled with weight gain. I have always had the battle of gaining weight to be healthy. Now, some people literally scoff at this to my face and call me lucky. But those who deal with this battle, know how frustrating it is and you have to maintain a health weight for several reasons: the loss of a menstrual cycle, increased risks for heart problems, early bone brittleness, lung problems, lowered immunity and a slew of nutritional deficiencies. Who wants that for themselves?
Stupidly, I began to just starve myself because, again, at the busy age of 16-18 years old, I "didn't have time" to eat. I would take a bite of something to just have something fill the ravenous pit that was my stomach to just shut it up and look like I was eating. This act soon led to purging for me and it began a sense of release for my stress that welled up inside me. I would finally eat and then find the right moments to leave. If anyone has ever harbored a secret like this... it kills you... it consumes you. I didn't want people to know because I was embarrassed of what they might think. My family, all my friends.... my youth group? What would they do if they knew? I look back now and I wondered how I functioned and how I kept going and not just collapse at a practice. That kind of emptiness and hunger just sends your head into a pounding rage, your heart races, you can't control your body temperature and inside you feel numb.
By my senior year, I weighed less than 100 lbs, which for a tall girl, is a very disgusting skinny. I got "mono" my senior year because no doubt my immune system was shot. I remember my Dad asking me at one point if I had started drugs and I laughed and said absolutely not. But thinking back to how rail thin I was, moody, angry, depressed, stressed and tired I appeared... I probably would ask my kid the same question. I continued on my path of self destruction but some how fell under the radar with everyone in my life and keeping myself concealed from the world was almost like a game. That is one of the biggest hurts from this portion of my life that still haunts me...I lied to everyone I knew. I lied to the very people who became my biggest cheerleaders. That still hurts me to this day. I would have battles with God because I didn't want to be like that. I knew how destructive this was. I would have a couple good days and then I was pulled right down under. It was an addiction. An addiction that almost ruined me. As if I didn't have enough on my plate for senior year, I took a job at a retail store in my small town. I loved working there and I made some awesome friends there. There is a friend I made there, she knows who she is, that really saw me for the mess that was me. This friend ended up being the beginning to my healing.
Around Christmas time, I feel like I was probably at my all time low and at times wondered if this was what my life would be and if I wanted to live it anymore. Guilt, shame and hurt just overtook me. I remember there was one night that I was home alone during Christmas break and I called a dear friend of mine and told him that I was just depressed and hurting and I didn't know how God or anyone could love me for that matter. I didn't divulge my ED. I remember him saying to me that there was nothing on Earth that could ever keep God, my family or friends from loving me. He suggested that maybe I talk to my Mom. That night, I feel like he talked me off the ledge and made me feel something I hadn't felt in a while... hope. I gave my Mom a brief synopsis of my struggle and played it off as not a big deal and that I was "handling it." She asked if I needed help and I said "No, I'm working on it."
I did good for a while but fell again. I couldn't do it on my own and God sent in a wake up call for me. The girl, that saw me for me, invited me to go eat dinner with her one afternoon after work. She then pulled over on the side of a freeway, locked the doors and turned to me and she simply said, "I know what you are doing to yourself." I laughed it off casually and asked what she was referring to. She said, "You know exactly what I'm talking about and if you do not get help for yourself. I will get help for you." I was stunned. I was angry. And then I broke. I cried. I told her everything that day and I promised her that I would get help that night. I felt slightly freed in that moment because I was no longer alone. Someone knew and she cared. That night, I lingered around my Mom trying to get the courage to talk to her. She will laugh because anytime I needed to talk about anything serious to her, I lingered until I finally told her. I was like her shadow. When we were the only two up that night, I laid across my Mom's lap at the age of 17, with my legs hanging over her reclining chair and I probably had one of the ugliest cries of my life. I told her everything and admitted to her I needed help badly. I tried to explain this ED wasn't because I thought I was fat or anything but it was what I thought was the antidote to my ugliness I felt on the inside, all the pain I held and the control I wanted so badly. I felt like the food and how it entered or left my body was the one thing I had control of. My Mom didn't judge me. She didn't get upset with me. My Mom held me that night and cried with me.... prayed over me. But most important, she loved me and let me know it. Within weeks, I was sitting in the office of a counselor who I can only describe as God's angel, Trish. She didn't want to solve my problems for me... she helped me use God, my faith and my soul that was buried by a lot of dirt to help me figure out how to face this demon. Trish reminded me I wasn't alone. I remember being so surprised that no one judged me... ever. Anyone who knew, just wanted to help. I saw Trish well into college and I feel like she had a huge impact on the person I am now. Did I fall at times? Yes. Is it a daily struggle? Yes. Do I ever just wake up and look in the mirror and see that old sad, hurt consumed, control hungry person? Absolutely. But all I have to do is ask God to take hold of my being and tell me that I am His and He is mine and that is all I need to push through.
That was longer than I anticipated as far as my story but I feel it's important that I share it all. So, back to my statement about words and how they play a huge roll in shedding light on people's understanding of eating disorders. There are some myths that people believe about ED's that leave individuals uneducated and unaware at the depth and broadness of this disease. First, an ED is not just anorexia or bulimia. It comes in the form of obsessive working out and dieting. Also, it presents itself in those who have food addictions that lead to being overweight. You may hear the term "binge-eating." Some who underweight and overweight can be victims of an ED. It's the addiction factor involved whether you are ridding food in your life or hoarding it. It is an ED. Several go undiagnosed, sadly. Another myth, women are it's only frequenters. This is absolutely not true. I believe the number is around 1 million men are affected per year from this awful disease. Also, some people believe that the media is the cause for ED's. While media can be harmful to one's self-esteem, it is not the soul cause for an ED, just as the want to lose weight is not the primary motivation to continue an ED for some. Mine was control and taking out all the ugliness I felt on the inside... on my outside. Food in your body is pretty easy to control when many life factors are not. Finally, but certainly not the last (I know there's more), you can tell someone has an ED just by looking at them. Not all skinny people starve themselves or purge. Not all overweight people obsessively eat. It's not fair to "judge a book by it's cover." God makes in all shapes and sizes and we are His beautiful creation.
I can't even begin to count the number of times when someone screetches out, "You're so tiny! Go eat some cake! It must be nice, you're so thin! Go put on some weight!" I'll just be real blunt. I want to scream at people who say these things to my face. One, they probably don't know my past and those who do know me, know I try very hard to put on weight, especially because of my past. When I started doing the Miss Arkansas Pageant System later in college, I got told that I was too thin and that if I wanted to win, I needed to "put some meat on my bones." That may shock people. I tried hard. I ate a lot. I took supplements. I lifted weights. I tried it all just to put on some little Olive Oil muscles and get a little weight in my behind. I cried a lot over this and again... I know some of you may sit there and scoff and say "Oh poor you Melissa! It must suck to be real thin." No it doesn't always suck, I'm sure it'll catch me one day around my 40's. But when I go to the doc, I get reminded that I'm too thin and that if I'd ever like to think of having kids, I'd better try hard. That's a hard pill to swallow and it hurts. I feel guilty that one day I may not get to fulfill my dream of being a mother because maybe I did too much damage to myself or I cannot gain the weight. Those who deal with this issue, you know the frustration. In my bluntness too, I have always wanted to ask the person telling me that I'm too skinny if they ever look at someone and say "You're too overweight." I think it's a pretty honest question and the answer would most likely be "Of course not!!" So why point out my weight, to my face. Some of the most hurtful remarks I receive deal with my weight. Remarks about weight used to be so taboo I feel but for some reason people now think it's ok, especially if you are "skinny." I can take a lot of things in stride but for me personally, it's hurtful and damaging. Just as I know that an "overweight" comment to someone is hurtful and damaging. Think about it.
So, after this long blog post, if you made it through, I hope you not only be aware to the silent victims of an ED who may be beside. You may be someone's beginning to a brighter future if you just have the courage to call them out of love... not hurt. Also, maybe you'll think of choosing your words of someone's weight whether it's to their face or not, more wisely. Maybe you will choose to build someone up rather than tear them down because their body isn't what society says is right. You never know what they may be dealing with. I know the week is coming to a close as March 1st will mark the end of the official awareness week but I encourage you to keep the awareness alive. If you can wear purple tomorrow to mark that you stand up for ED Awareness!
Thank you for letting me share my story. I feel it's therapeutic for me to share it and it is a reminder of what an awesome God I serve that took my mess and gave me a message. He gave me a test and turned it into a testimony. What messes and tests have God given you to in turn give back to him?
Live. Laugh. Embrace your story.
Melissa
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