Finding Thanks in Emptiness

Now, you are probably reading the title to this and thinking something along the lines of what is she getting at here or negativity on this day of thanks? I knew I had a tug on my heart (as I do with anything written on this blog) to write a Thanksgiving post but I struggled with a few things. I've struggled with laying the honest depths of my heart out for the world to see in this season of life. I've struggled with sharing my thoughts and sounding ungrateful or dramatic like my problems are worse than someone else's. I've struggled with baring where I'm at and someone thinking I need sympathy and yes... the dreaded "you chose this" line. I've had a great rest from my first quarter of dental school, an awesome visit back home with my family, and a very blessed thanksgiving with my family celebrating my Grandmother who will be 93 years young on Monday. As I sat with my family, having a deployed spouse and a seat missing an incredible woman at our table... my Aunt Sandy, I actually let my heart ache and acknowledge the feeling I've felt a lot as we enter this holiday season. I realized that the emptiness I felt, the feelings I feel and the things that I struggle with are not unique or abnormal. They are real and raw, and thats ok.

There's somebody reading this right now who felt empty today. It doesn't mean you do not give thanks for the things that you have or were not thankful to be with family. The reasons for emptiness can be numerous: maybe your loved one is far away, maybe they have passed away, you are estranged from them. Maybe they're deployed. Maybe you are dealing with unbearable pain or an illness, maybe you are worrying about how your next bills are going to get paid, etc. Regardless of the reason, as lonely as it feels, you are not alone in the depths of that emptiness. I see you and from one empty soul who is still thankful to another, its ok. 

On a more personal note, I was talking with Jon tonight about this deployment and how its been incredibly different than any one we have ever experienced on many levels and on both sides. That can apply to so many things in life. Emptiness and loneliness have been one of my greatest struggles this go around and that's an extremely hard thing to admit. As a military spouse, you always wish to be resilient, brave, on-top-of-it, and strong for you know you are supporting someone who needs it greatly. Don't we all wish to be those things in life too... to always have "it" together? God has worked on my heart and continues to work on my heart in this. I've had to step back, pair down, and admit the ugly "I can't" more than I care to admit with juggling dental school and deployment. I haven't had the care packages sent out that I meticulously planned out before school to "save me some time," because I haven't had the time. (insert still feel like the worst wife ever that I'm just now getting them out-ha). I've had to be absent with my parents as they have visited because the tests kept coming. In the midst of those feelings of inadequacy and defeat, as I'm sure any one of us have felt as some point in time, I choose to learn and be thankful for this season. Thankful for having an incredible and understanding husband who gets me. Thankful to have parents who will go to the ends of the Earth to help me and understand as I sit there for hours listening to lectures on 2x the speed with head phones on. I do have a lot to be thankful for!

Jon and I have said a lot that everything in life is a season... this one is just a little more difficult. But God. God asks us to lay these difficult seasons in his care. He has a lesson waiting in the midst of the deepest emptiness, the feelings of inadequacy, the tired, the pain, the "why's"... everything. That is one thing that I do know and I am so thankful for.

Live, Love, and Finding Thanks in Emptiness.

Melissa